in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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