So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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