In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
