shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
