Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
