woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm really busy with my period
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