So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
