don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
