Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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