i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
sarcasm needs its own font
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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