the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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