I wanna bring you to show and tell
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
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We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
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The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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