I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
