i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
