searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
