so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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