My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
