I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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