How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
