Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
