I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
