He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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