I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
