Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Drunk is not a location!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
