you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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