Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize