You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
