i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
