There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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