Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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