I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
