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Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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