Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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