Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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