i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
