I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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