I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
