last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
