Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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