And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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