Got a toothbrush?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
