i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
