I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My liver just broke up with me...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
