i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
