I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
