I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You smell like stripper and shame
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize