closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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