gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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