you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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