dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
