just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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