yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
