you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm passing your future prison.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
