he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
