then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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